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I filled in my new calendar yesterday. I�went page by page copying the important dates from the last year's calendar. I made note of the ages of the birthdays we'll celebrate, I note the years of the anniversaries, the age of my dog and the years we've lived in this house.

It always is amazing to watch a year go by in just the 10minutes it takes to organize the days on the pages. I know time doesn't pass that quickly but by this time next year I'll have my doubts about that!

I wonder what memories I'll have, what goals I'll reach, what I'll look forward to.

Time is such a wierd thing, while we don't notice it as we drift along we tend to take it for granted and only appreciate that when we are faced with the possibility that it will end. Having the honor of being part of Shirley's last days has me wishing I had the power to stop the clock, or at least freeze it now and then.

I could cry (and I have) when I realize that this life I have will not last forever. I hope my love will. I hope I'll be remembered, what can I do today to make sure I am?� That sounds like a resolution!

Ok talked to "him" for awhile on and off today. My mind began driftin into dangerous waters, could've drown myself in the freaky thoughts going on n my head. We are getting more frank about our feelings for each other. Especially him, he told me last night that he wanted to make love me, then during our texting he revealed intimate fantasies about us, in addition to the fact that he has a romantic side. Never would have guessed it, thought he was too jesus/holy� also too rigid. Oh how wrong� I was was:)

�I had to abruptly shut the computer down..I want him so bad it disturbs my sleep. Last night without prompting he stated he wanted to make love to me, also that 75% of a relationship is sexual. Not a problem for me, at all. Yesterday was the first time he ever revealed any sexual attraction towards me, shocked yes! He is unpredictable which is quite refreshing!

Occasionally I question whether Iam deserving or enough for him. He is cognizant of this insecurity I possess, however I dont� make it obvious or anything.� I cant wait to start our/ my life with him. He has real expectations as do I. There is no such� thing as an ideal relationship, yet I would like to get as close as possible.

Its almost time for the kids to go to bed, cant wait for some peace and quiet. Or chatting on the phone with him, snoring but trying to convince me otherwise.

Turn your wounds into wisdom.� ~Oprah Winfrey

Yes this is from Oprah...while she is seen as a farce by some, and a Goddess by others, I just see her as a woman that has gone through things in life.

This quotation, means a lot to me, I have done exactly this, or have tried to in life.

I have taken the wounds that I have been dealt in life into wisdom, seeing as how most think that history repeats itself. If we take what we've done in life, and turn that into wisdom, we shouldn't repeat what we've already done.

I know that some mistakes that I've made in life, some that I've regretted, I don't anymore, because I have learned from them, gained the wisdom that are in those mistakes, and used it to my advantage.

Most are afraid of making mistakes, well depending on what they are, yes be afraid, but most of the time, MAKE BIG MISTAKES!! That is our motto in chor, make big mistakes so then we know what to do to fix it.

How I have been hurt in life, only add to what I have to offer people. The hurts that I have, allow me to relate to others better than most. I use these to my advantage not only so the one hurting me doesn't get the satisfaction from hurting me, but the advantage I gain is being able to help others, and that's a reward in and of itself.

So, if you've been hurt, take the time to lick your wounds, still the hurt won't go away without taking time for yourself, but also turn that hurt into a positive force, by allowing yourself to learn from it, gain the wisdom from it, and live life by making mistakes to only learn from them, and break that vicious cycle of repeating history.

����������� Ok, well I don’t know what to talk about really. Not much has been going on other than all this crazy weather we’re having. I swear, two days ago I was hot! Like, it was hot to where I was thinking about turning on the central air hot! And now today, there are icicles on the branches. It’s crazy! �I’m just like, what the crap! Oh, and for my New Year’s resolution is to stop cursing so much and to also stop drinking soda other than if I’m at the movies because I’m not going to pay $3 for a bottle of water! I mean, I can’t do it. Water should be free and I disagree to pay for it. Well I mean, we pay the water bill and I’m paying in that way but c’mon! Water costing $3! That water better make me lose a pound in that one bottle! Let’s see what else. Oh, well we got this new worker, I’m his trainer. He’s cool and all but I don’t know. He keeps on talking about girls and this and that, and I don’t think he’s too fond of gays. He talks about it’s not natural and this and that. I’m just like, oh, ok, you know. I think he’ll probably get me to come out and just go bad on him. For one, I hate when people say, oh it’s a choice. Ha, yeah, I CHOSE to be different. I CHOSE to be hated by homophobes. I CHOSE to have to feel scared about being with a guy. Yeah, I CHOSE to be gay and like men. It’s so dumb, I don’t know. I should just write a book. And of course he continues to go on, he said something about, “Oh, I studied biology and I know that there is no way a rectum should be use for that” or some crap like that. I was just thinking, Ok, a girl’s mouth isn’t used to suck d**k but bet he wouldn’t mind if the girl got on her knees. Am I right? Really! And to be honest I do like the feeling, LOL. I don’t know. He doesn’t want me to come out because if I did, oh I would let him have it. You wanna be a great debater, let’s go! But yeah, I don’t know. Umm, let me see what else to talk about. Oh, my freaking sister got in a wreck (while I was with her, my first time in a wreck!) while she was driving my other sister’s car. Yeah, it was really scary! But no one was hurt so that was a blessing. Umm, let me see what else. Oh, my cousin has continued to be a rotten mother to her kids. She dropped them off at my grandma’s house just like she did to us. Yeah, I don’t know if it’s because she doesn’t love them or just doesn’t behave the way a mother should. I mean, I don’t think my mom was a very good mother but I loved her to death and I know that she loved me to death. I mean, the woman would cry over anything. I remember when I cut my foot on some glass and was bleeding she started crying. It didn’t hurt too badly but it sort of felt good to know that she loved me. I guess I always knew, I even remember when I was younger, like 3 or so, I remember telling her I wanted to marry her, not knowing of course how nasty and wrong that would have been, LOL. I was even telling my sister that and she was just like, “Oh, that’s so cute!” I was like, yeah, when I was younger she was my everything. She was the world to me. It’s sort of sad to think that her daughter won’t feel the way I did about my mom nor does her mom feel that same about her. I don’t know what is the matter with that girl is. All I can think of is, “THIS IS YOUR BABY!!! HOW CAN YOU NOT LOVE AND WANT TO CARE FOR YOUR BABY!!!” But maybe one day she’ll learn a thing or two about them kids but when that day comes, it will probably be too late for them kids. Umm, what else to talk about…oh, we also got this other new guy. He’s a little slow it seems like. Sometimes he talks and I’m like, what the crap are you talking about. He thinks he’s hot or something. I’ll give him a 6 out of a 10. 10 being crazy cute where I look at you more than once and just say to myself several times, “Dang, you are SEXY/CUTE!” I’ve seen maybe umm, about 5-10 donors that we’re like oh crap and maybe 2 � workers. � meaning I thought this guy was really super cute when I first saw him but now he’s like an 8. Just when you’re more up close you know, LOL. Yeah, well anyways, he’s a 6. He talks about girls but he never really discusses gays or whatever. Guess haven’t gotten to that subject. I don’t know why me and Pete (the other guy) discussed it one day. It was weird. I want to say it’s because there’s this girl who works there and I told him she’s lesbian and he went off from there. He says, “I don’t dislike gay people. I love gay people. I just disagree with their relationship.” What kind of stupid CRAP is that? Umm, gay people and gay relationships…sort of go hand in hand don’t you think. Being gay is your sexual orientation meaning that some kind of sexual relationship is involved. Yeah, I don’t know. Anyways, back to the other guy, Robert. Yeah, he just talks about girls and crap once in a while but he says he wouldn’t cheat on his girlfriend because he wouldn’t throw away what he has for p*55y. So that’s good I think. I tell him I’m going to message his girlfriend and tell her and he was like, “Nah man!” LOL I wouldn’t do that of course. That’s him and her. It just seems that the majority of men are pigs. It freaking sucks. Rob and another guy were talking about a donor and the other guy was telling Rob to like put her number in his cell with a guy’s name. I just think, dang are men really like this??? I mean, yeah, I know my occasional a-hole such as my cousin and stuff but really! I don’t know. Well hopefully I can find a good guy one day. I hope. Well until next week. I’ll talk to y’all later! �

That's how� I'd describe my paternal father, he is insensitive and selfish that is putting it midly. It took alot for me not to curse his old ass out.� How dare he come to my without� any gifts for his grandkids, but want me to wrap some gifts he bought for somone else's children. Regardless of the fact that my children have plenty of material things,� I cant see his logic. He has always done me and his other children this way, going the extra mile for others while his family does� without. Maybe I shouldnt expect anything different, after all past behaviors are indicative of the future. When my sister came to the door� I informed here he was here, she got back in her car and drove off.

I chatted with "him" briefly" via text, he also called me,apologizing for not giving me "phone time". I was being neglected by him, what took him so long to see it? Huh men I tell ya. Often times I cant read "him" left guessing what is on his my mind dont like this. I would prefer he told me was forward with me. Trying to occupy my time with whatever distraction is useful. not working out to well/. He has alot of idosyncracies, that may provide a challeng for me. I have a list of his peculiar behaviors, I should put them on paper. Everything he consumes is� done so with a fork,� (even ice cream) his clothes must be folded immediately� after� coming out the dryer,� no sleeping or lounging on the furniture, all clothes must ironed in a room (not on the floor), all music must be confined to the bedroom on low, no food in the fridge with foil on it, dont reheat his food in the microwave, no dishes left in the sink over night, dont use the dishwasher, hair products ,curling irons in the bathroom only, no food of any kind in the bedroom, no trash in the house, Im sure there is more to come. He is very rigid in some of his views, ridiculous� I would say

My father is full of shit, he always want� something for nothing. I aksed him weeks ago to plow during the blizzard. You think he did it hell no! Now he wants me to look up shit on the internet, calling me incessantly. Like its a true emergency. some days I hate his ass, now being one of them. Spoke to "him", he doesnt call as much and when he does� he aint saying a damn thing. Most of the time he allegedly drops the call. I aint stupid, I have no clue� wha is going on with him. All� I gather from our very brief conversations that he is just too busy for me. I am contemplating if marrying will be the same way. Will i be left to my own devices, ignored what. He says he want to start 12 churches. He is complaining about lack of rest now,what is he thinking or is he thinking. I feel shoved to the side, as if Im unimportant, I dont expect him to�satiate my every need but damn can a sista get some time in? I guess this is what I get for falling for a jesus freak huh? Its all right to love the lord but brotha man is a bit extreme! One of �things I have noticed about him is that he tries to control a sitution. When I told him I was going to sleep via text, he act like he didnt comprehend. He wants me to give him my undivided attention when he wants it. I dont pump like that, which he will soon find out. Damn this phone, keeps ringing off the hook.�Its walt talking� about me he misses me. Aint shit going down he had his chance that shit� is a wrap!� I aint fucking with him after things went down� the way the did. Never again not in this lifetime or the next! I mean I will be cordial and that is it. Im not looking back nor am i going back. Pressing forward, this is a new year and I have� new mindest. Which is not to settle for less than Iam worth or let people walk on me. Nope not going there!

Oh yeah how did I forget the other day, Eli came by to do me a favor exodus answered the door so he left. He is an ass, he just wanted to� be in my face its irrelevant who answers the door. Why cant he do what I asked him to do it was and is a simple task. He can only dream about fucking me cause it will never happen! What he thought was he could corner me by the door and try to feel me up, nope! He called later that day� trippin so I got loud, ghetto beligerent whatever word� fits and cursed his ass out! I told him fuck you and dont speak to my like Im your kid cause I aint bitch! And a host of other expletives came out of my mouth of course. He is a such a hater, he needs to line up with all the rest. He gone have to pick his jaw off the damn ground when I get married, he has told me time and time again� I wont. Now I feel like I have a point to prove. That� I can have a succesfull marriage, to someone who is like minded and wont try to make me over. I can wait til he meets "him". He wish he was half the man� "he" is, Eli dont even come close.

I cant get rid of this feeling, all I know is that something is missing. No matter how much I try I cant forget the memories that haunt me. You'd be suprised at how much a song or joke reminds me of you. But now your gone and Im left here wondering what went wrong.

Someday you'll cry for me like i cried for u

Someday youll miss me like i missed you

Someday youll need me like i needed you

Someday youll love me but i wont love you

Forgive all who have offended you, not for them, but for yourself.� ~Harriet Nelson

I picked this quote especially because I am having a hard time forgiving someone whom betrayed my trust...A family member, which that is by far THE WORST betrayal I know of.

I had written on Facebook, about my grandfather, whom I can't even call a grandfather, since he hasn't ever really been a grandfather. This family member, she copied it and sent it to my mother, which I don't think she had a problem, because she knows how I feel towards my grandfather. So, I guess you could say that I shouldn't be this upset over it. I'm not so much upset that my mom knows about this note, it's more so that this other family member betrayed my trust, in saying she would never let my mother know what I do, if I didn't want her to.

Now, I don't do anything bad on Facebook. No, it's a way for me to keep in contact with friends, not to meet people to hook up later.

However, I do believe that this quote is of importance to believe in.

'Forgive all who have offended you, not for them, but for yourself.' This is so true, by means of when one forgives another, it's not so they can regain trust, because that takes time, forgiveness is like a band aid, persay, for the mind, body, soul, and heart.

I know from personal experience that if you let hatred run your life, you will suffer consequences of friends not wanting to be around you, you won't be running your life on your terms, it will be revolving around the hatred, and how you want revenge.

So, the moral of this is, if you hate someone for betraying you, or something they did to you, don't forgive them, for them, forgive them for you. It's the first step to recovery and feeling better about life.♫♪♥